Celebrity Rehab: Julius Caesar Edition
by Criminal Behavior
Summary: Celebrity Rehab... Julius Caesar edition! Caesar is a drug addict and is dead , Brutus is clinically depressed, Cassius is severely suicidal, and Portia is just an absolute psycho. ...When you're this whacked, this is where you end up. English project.


Celebrity Rehab: Julius Caesar Edition

**A/N: **This started out as a video for English as our final Julius Caesar project, and this is the script for it. The link to the video (I'm Cassius!:) ) is on my profile (or if it isn't, it will be soon). So just bear with the format, and enjoy! **:) A/N**

_Open with "Celebrity Rehab" opening, cut to Dr. Drew._

Dr. Drew: On today's episode of Celebrity Rehab, we will try to work out the problems that have impacted the lives of those involved in the Julius Caesar assassination. We'll start with interviews of each of our patients and later show some footage of Caesar's assassination and have a group session. Our goal is to repair the lives of these traumatized individuals who have gone astray in life. There's Brutus, who killed his friend but was not imprisoned because of proven insanity and severe depression; Cassius, who has tried to kill himself multiple times; Portia, who has acute paranoia and schizophrenia; and of course, Caesar, who suffers from a dire case of ADD: Assassination Due to Disloyalty. (_Spoken in a corny, suck-up voice and clasping hands together.)_

Scene 1

_Dr. Drew and Brutus sitting down in a room. Possibly with tea._

Dr. Drew: So Brutus, what drove you to murder Caesar?

Brutus: (_after a pause) _It was Cassius' idea.

Dr. Drew: (_nodding gravely) _So you succumbed to peer pressure. _(reaches over and pats Brutus' arm) _I understand. But you didn't have to go along with it.

Brutus: No, you _don't _understand. I _had _to.

Dr. Drew: _(takes out notepad to write stuff down) _And why is that?

Brutus: Because if Caesar became emperor, Rome wouldn't be a republic anymore.

Dr. Drew: So you killed your friend for the good of the country and the public. That's…(_pause of realization)_…pretty deep. You didn't have to _kill _him to attain your goals, though.

Brutus: There were worse things I could have done to him. (O_o)

Dr. Drew: Well, let's bring Cassius out.

_Enter Cassius._

Cassius: Can I get my close up?

_Zoom in (too much)._

Cassius: Too close.

_Zoom out a bit, fan blows and Cassius takes off his sunglasses dramatically._

Cassius: _(eyes widen, grabs some Windex and runs over to windows) _Oh, _NO. _These are _not _cleaned properly.

Dr. Drew: _(rushes over to Cassius) _No, no _(Cassius protesting), _no. You can clean the windows later, Cassius. _(Takes Windex from him)_

Cassius: _(takes out knife) _If you don't let me clean those windows, I will _kill myself!_ _(Hysterical)_

Dr. Drew: _(Takes knife from Cassius and covers camera screen with hand as she speaks) _Um… We are experiencing some technical difficulties. The program will resume momentarily.

Scene 2

_Cassius and Brutus are on a couch (or chairs) and Dr. Drew is a little off to the side._

Dr. Drew: (_cheery and cheesy) (claps hands) _Aren't you glad that you don't have to wear togas here at the clinic?

Cassius: _(waves hands) _Yes, it's _fabulous! _

Brutus: _(looks at Cassius and shakes head) _No. Fail, Cassius. Fail.

Cassius: _(takes knife out from under cushion) (hysterical) _If you can't accept the way I express myself, I don't even deserve to live anymore!

Dr. Drew: _(takes knife from him) _No, Cassius. What did I tell you about trying to kill yourself? _(puts knife to the side) _Anyway, Cassius, why did you persuade Brutus to involve himself in the murder of Caesar?

Cassius: I didn't like him.

Brutus: _(gives Cassius a look)_

Cassius: Oh, yeah, and if he got to be emperor, that would be, um…bad. For Rome. And stuff.

Dr. Drew: Okay then. But as I was telling Brutus, you didn't have to murder him.

Cassius: Actually, we did.

Dr. Drew: Why is that?

Brutus: _(stands up)_ Well, I'll tell you.

(Three hours later)

Brutus: _(wiping away tears) _He was my friend! I didn't _want _to kill him! But you see… _(tone softens) _…I had to. For the good of Rome. I needed to put my friendship with Caesar aside and do what was best for the public, however much it pained me to do so. _(covers eyes with hand and starts to cry)_

Cassius: _(sympathetically) _O Brutus… _(hand over heart)_

Brutus: _(regains composure and is now somewhat cocky) _But then, no one could possibly be mad at me after that little escapade. I mean, look at me. Who _doesn't _want a piece of this?

Cassius: O _Brutus. (bites air and does paw-claw-cat-thing with hand)_

Dr. Drew: Well, um… I think Antony was kind of angry with you.

Brutus: _(waves hand) _Oh, well he doesn't count.

Cassius: _(takes Brutus' hand) (dreamily) _Do _I _count?

Brutus: _(shakes off Cassius' hand) _No. You're a creeper, get away from me.

Cassius: _(takes out another knife) _Why don't you love me?! Why am I nothing to you??!

Dr. Drew: _(takes away Cassius' knife) _Cassius, _no. _I'm going to get some more tea. Or maybe apple juice. Either way, I'll be right back, so Cassius, _don't try to kill yourself. (leaves)_

Cassius: _(looks around, takes out another knife, grins)_

Scene 3

_Dr. Drew comes back in smiling. Smile fades into a look of shock and she drops the tray on the ground._

Dr. Drew: _CASSIUS, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?_

_Cassius is on the floor with the bloody knife in his hand and a bunch of cuts bleeding on his arms._

Cassius: I don't deserve to live! _Brutus doesn't love me!_

Dr. Drew: _(yells) _Can I get a paramedic in here?

_Random person runs in and starts dragging Cassius away by the arm._

Cassius: In case I don't live through this… I have a something to say. _(Dr. Drew leans down to listen) _Girl, those shoes SO do not go with that shirt.

Dr. Drew: _(angrily) _Get him out of here.

Scene 4

_Dr. Drew is on the couch with her tea. Brutus and Cassius are gone._

Dr. Drew: We've spoken with Cassius and Brutus so far, and Portia isn't allowed to leave her room. Now we'll speak with Caesar, who has the biggest issues of all. _(looks to the side)_

_See Caesar's ghost enter from the side, swaggers in.)_

_Caesar slumps down on the couch._

Caesar: _(does gangster handshake with Dr. Drew) _Yo.

Dr. Drew: So Caesar, things must be very hard for you. I mean, your best friend betrayed you and murdered you.

Caesar: _(shrugs) _Life in the hood is like that.

Dr. Drew: Well…

Caesar: You always got people tryin' to do you in when you're the king.

Dr. Drew: Well…you didn't actually end up winning the crown.

Caesar: _(points at Dr. Drew) _I'm the king in this house! I'll do what I want!

Dr. Drew: Maybe we should bring Cassius and Brutus back in again.

Caesar: Nah, chill!

Dr. Drew: Come on out, guys. I think Caesar needs to face his feelings.

Caesar: (_waving hands) _NAH, CHILL!!

_Brutus and Cassius come in arguing, Cassius is in tears._

Cassius: I thought what we had was special!

Brutus: Calm _down _for a minute! I'll talk to you later!

Cassius: NO! Later I'll be dead! Because you _don't love me!_

Brutus: _(slaps Cassius in the face) _Get a hold of yourself!

Cassius: Nobody likes me!

Brutus: Shut up!

_The two start slapping each other (like T rexes), Dr. Drew walks over._

Dr. Drew: Okay boys, take it outside. _(opens the door and pushes Cassius and Brutus outside)_

Scene 5

_Cassius and Brutus are on the porch facing each other._

Cassius: Hath Cassius lived to be but mirth and laughter to his Brutus when grief and blood ill-tempered vexeth him?

Brutus: When I spoke that, I was ill-tempered too.

Cassius: Do you confess so much? Give me your hand. _(takes Brutus' hand)_

Brutus: _(dreamily) _And my heart too.

Cassius: _(also dreamily) _O Brutus! _(faints)_

Dr. Drew: Now we will show some footage from Caesar's assassination.

Scene 6

Caesar: _(to camera) _Yo.

Metellus: _(kneeling) _Will you release my brother from exile?

Caesar: Nah, chill.

Metellus: _(pulls on Caesar's toga) _Please?

Caesar: NAH, CHILL! Stand, ho!

_Metellus gets up and runs away. _Fine!

_Focus on Brutus, Cassius, and Casca._

Casca: _(holds up knife) _Speak hands for me!

_The three yell and run forward._

Caesar: Aw man, why ya gotta do me like that?! _(covers face with arms)_

_Show conspirators stabbing Caesar, but Caesar can't be seen clearly from this angle._

Brutus: Any last words?

_Caesar (with blood dripping from his mouth and eyes half closed), holds up rings that say "Et tu, Bruté?" _Then…fall…Caesar.

Scene 7

Dr. Drew: We were making some progress in the past few weeks, but lately our patients have lapsed into their old habits. Caesar has been smoking some unknown substance—

Cut to Caesar smoking a bubble pipe. He falls on his face.

—Brutus has been drinking—

Cut to Brutus at a table with a beer bottle, also falls on face.

—Cassius just got back from the hospital because he tried to commit suicide by jumping off the roof. Brutus took pictures. —

(Show the photo-shopped pictures)

—and Portia has been getting into fights with Caesar.

Cut to Portia sitting against a wall. She bangs her hands against the wall and screams, "CAESAR! TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN!!!"

Caesar: Nah, chill.

Portia: KNOCK IT OFF!

See the two on either side of the wall.

Caesar: Yo, why you always gotta be up in my business like that?

Portia: You have terrible taste in music!

Caesar: Yo, what you just say to me?

Portia: YOU HEARD ME!

Caesar: You wanna go? _(climbs on top of wall and there is a bunch of yelling.)_

Scene 8

Dr. Drew: To help re-connect with our disturbed patients, we are having a conference with everyone today. _(claps hands) _So we all brought lunch, right? …Um, where's Cassius, by the way? Has anyone seen him?

_See Cassius tap on the window and run away._

Dr. Drew: Did you guys see something?

Caesar and Brutus: _shrug._

_Cassius runs in through side door with towel cape and giant glasses, yells, eventually sits down on the couch next to Brutus._

Dr. Drew: _(cocks head) _Cassius, are you high?

Cassius: _(laughs creepily) _Kill me. _(reaches over to Brutus' leg, Brutus slaps him away.)_

Dr. Drew: _(shakes head) _Well, let's introduce ourselves. Cassius, would you like to start?

Cassius: I'm high. I mean, Cassius.

Everyone: Hi, Cassius.

Portia: (yells)

Caesar: Yo.

Everyone: Hi, Caesar.

Portia: (yells)

Brutus: I'm Brutus.

Everyone: Hi, Brutus.

Dr. Drew: What about you, Portia?

Portia: (screams)

Everyone: Hi, Portia.

Dr. Drew: So what did we all bring for lunch?

_Brutus takes out a granola bar, Cassius takes out a banana, and Caesar takes out his bubble pipe._

Dr. Drew: Portia, what did you bring for lunch?

Portia: Hot coals!

Dr. Drew: _(rushes over to closet) _Uh, no, Portia, that's a bad idea…Oh, she's dead. _(closes door) _Security will get the body.

_Cassius and Brutus share a worried look._

Dr. Drew: You know, the foods we eat can tell us a lot about a person—Cassius, why are you eating your banana like that?

_Cassius stops licking his banana and puts it off to the side._

Dr. Drew: You know what? Meeting adjourned.

Dr. Drew: It's been about a month, so we have decided that one of our patients is ready to go home: Cassius! _(claps) _Yay! Over this past month, he only tried to commit suicide five times, and only hit on Brutus twice a day.

Scene 9

_Cassius hanging off the side of the porch, Brutus on the porch._

Brutus: Forever, and forever, farewell, Cassius! If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; if not, why then this parting was well made.

Cassius: Forever, and forever, farewell, Brutus! If we do meet again, we'll smile indeed; if not, 'tis true this parting was well made.

_Cassius turns away, stays there for a minute, then turns around and points at Brutus._

Cassius: You never loved me! _(jumps off porch) Look up at Brutus looking over the side, show Cassius on the driveway._

_Brutus goes down, takes Cassius' wallet, takes his money. Portia is cowering by the side. _

Brutus: Come, ho! We're getting outta here. _The two run away._

Scene 10

_Antony and Octavius laughing over the video._

Antony: _(turns toward camera) _Friends, countrymen, lend me your ears. _(pause) _These guys are pathetic.

Octavius: Nah, chill!

_Credits start to "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse _

**A/N: **So that was the script to our video, it has the same name on Youtube, by obiwan2damaxx (me), so go and watch it! ;) Anyway, hope you all liked, and one more thing:

Nah, chill!

**A/N**


End file.
